God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
