Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
