I'm pants shitting drunk right now
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
