is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
