I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
