where does the pee come out of this thing
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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