Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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