Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
