Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
