just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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