dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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