why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize