For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
