Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
