I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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