Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
