I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
