i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
