I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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