You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
