you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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