low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
