how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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