a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
did you just send me my own nude
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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