i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
