My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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