"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
