We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
