I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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