there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
