i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
