how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
