so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
