And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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