Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
