I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
