Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
