Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
