That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
