please come you make the beer taste better
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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