You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize