there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize