One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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