Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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