if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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