you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
