i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize