More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
