i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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