He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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