It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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