dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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