New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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