Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
