My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
