I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
