I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
