I will die if light touches me.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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