I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
