I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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