You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
