I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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